Five days on the road

[George Thorogood – Six Days on the Road]

Did you know that when you turn a bottle of water over outside of a vehicle travelling at approx 130km (80mph) it results in a side on shower effect?
I did not know this. Until I decided to use my water bottle to wash soap off my hands while riding shot gun. It resulted in my left upper side of body becoming almost saturated, along with wetting the interior of the car and reaching around to Snozz who I’m not sure quite appreciated the midday wash as she drove.
However the soap did get washed off my hands, so mission accomplished.

I also discovered that after 2 and a bit days travelling between 120-140km per hour (74-87mph) that when travelling approximately 50km (30mph) it feels like travelling at a snails pace, so opening the door of a moving vehicle you are in to free the seat belt you are not wearing seems like a perfectly normal thing to do.
Until the door was open and I spied my over sized phone hanging out in the recess of the door with my cigarettes as I clung onto the door hoping neither items, or myself, flew out of the moving vehicle.
Safe to say I learnt my lesson that time.

What an adventure crossing Australia was this time!

Did you know there are approximately 800,000 wild camels in Australia? I didn’t either. But I saw a dead one. And they’re fucking huge.
I also killed a bunny. I felt its little body smash up into the undercarriage beneath my foot and I nearly simultaneously burst into tears and projectile vomitted. It was horrible.
And I saw a dead wombat, its head was missing.
I am sure Snozz is thankful that she wasn’t added to the list of the dead for this trip.
There was a lot of dead bugs too.
We also saw a few alive animals! We dodged kangaroos on the road, a lizard as well and Snozz even saw an emu right outside my window, which I didn’t see because I was too busy being a nosy parker trying to look out her side of the windscreen to see the size of the truck we were stuck behind. While I was a passenger. Serves me right I guess. We saw lots of dingoes: I’m not sure how they were ever smart enough to take a baby because they’re dumb enough to be on the road at night. And there were lots of suicidal birds too. I don’t know why they choose the time a car is approaching to fly across the road. I am sure I killed one of them too but Snozz assures me I didn’t.

We almost ran out of fuel one afternoon. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack trying not to imagine what it would be like to be stranded on the side of the road. I’m pretty sure Snozz knew that if there was ever a line between sanity and psycho-killer-insanity it would be crossed if we actually ran out. Needless to say shit got real and both of us were on tenterhooks until we finally located a petrol/gas station to rectify the situation.
The evening of this same day I was also pulled over by the police, flashing lights and all. It was the first time it had ever happened to me and I suddenly found myself vowing to never judge people pulled over ever again. I eventually didn’t mind though because he was hot and didn’t give me a speeding fine. I was preparing to burst into tears though if required.
The following day when Snozz was driving we would get stopped by a big road block set up by various authorities that were doing vehicle and license checks, drug and alcohol tests and even checking for illegal immigrants. Snozz did say she wanted a repeat of our Las Vegas to San Diego road trip from ’06 where we saw illegals cuffed on the side of the road so I guess she got some version of that. Except this time the Dept of Immigration took one look at the car and decided that if we were in fact people smuggling then they might be dead underneath all of the shit packed into the back of the car.

What we didn’t have any concern of running out of was snacks: I had stocked up on enough snacks that we could have kept driving for another couple of weeks before we got through all of them. I’m still eating them.
I also spent a lot of time wondering if I would actually piss myself if I was wearing an adult diaper – because I started to think that maybe I should have invested in them too since we were having to stop frequently for my small bladder to relieve itself. Made even worse if we burst into hysterical laughter. And a couple of times I came very, very close to actually wetting myself. I came to the conclusion that no, I don’t think I could willingly piss myself. However I would seriously consider squatting behind a bush. We had taken toilet paper from our first hotel in case it was needed for this exact event. I am happy to report I was able to wait until the next bathroom. Even if it meant crisscrossing my legs all the way to the cubicle.
The playlist worked out perfectly and I managed to sing for pretty much five days. I also did a lively performance of Bohemian Rhapsody for Snozz, it didn’t appear as if she appreciated it as much as I would have imagined however it was stellar and I am sure the man driving in front loved it.

By the time Sunday afternoon came though we were a bit over it. The roads in Victoria suck balls and I did make a comment about had the vibrations been right with these bumps then I might actually find them pleasurable (TMI maybe?) but they weren’t right, it was just an annoying, never ending roller coaster. Snozz was under attack by the dreaded head cold bugs and I just wanted to go to the bathroom whenever I damn well pleased (I’ve gone 3 times while writing this post, is that normal?).
I think it finally hit me what the past five days had meant by the time I got to the top of my parents street, when my hands started severely shaking and my stomach was suddenly a bundle of knots. My little car had just carried me, Snozz and some of my worldly possessions 4218kms (2621mi) across the worlds biggest island to where I would start all over again. No more west coast sunsets. No more Pocket Rocket hang outs or watching TV with Second Mum. If I’d let myself sit in the car after I came to a stop at the top of my parents drive way I might have even cried a little, except I jumped out instead, pretending to be relieved that the journey was done.